Getting Life Read online

  I left Kilgore behind when I moved on to Stephen F. Austin State University, eager to study psychology and make new friends in a fresh social setting. And that’s where I met the person who would change the course of my life.

  The first time I saw Chris Kirkpatrick was in a huge classroom amphitheater. She was standing several rows up from me, holding her books to her chest, talking with and taking the measure of my roommate. Luckily for me, he wasn’t her type.

  On this day, even from a distance, I could see that Chris was having none of his attempts at flirting. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but I could see her listening to him with a bemused look on her face, the kind of look you’d give a carnival barker trying to fast-talk you into a crooked midway game.

  I was giddy when she coolly walked away and I knew he had lost that round. That meant I might have a chance—maybe not much of one, but it was a chance I was willing to take. Within days, I had asked her to attend a party at our apartment, and to my surprise and never-ending gratitude, she said yes.

  Chris was different from any woman I had ever met. She was so smart, not just school-smart or street-smart but world-class, real-world smart. Her BS detector was as accurate as a neurosurgeon’s laser and could be lethal when aimed at someone or something that displeased her. She could take apart a lie, spot a bad choice, or point out what really mattered better than anyone I had ever met. After that first date, Chris and I were pretty much inseparable. Both of us believed our lives, and the way we felt about each other, would go on forever.

  I would have moved in with her immediately, but Chris was a good Catholic girl. She wanted a wedding in her family church, with her family priest, with the prayers and priorities that she grew up with.

  Raised a Protestant, in California no less, I lurched through the Catholic ceremony. But if it was important to Chris—and it was—it was important to me. I got through it without embarrassing her, and that meant everything to me.

  She wanted a honeymoon in the place she had dreamed of visiting since childhood—Disney World. Even though I had been to Disneyland dozens of times when I lived on the West Coast, I wanted to please. We packed up and headed for the East Coast version of “the happiest place on earth.”

  And it suited us. We were not sophisticates, we were small town and simply giddy—to be together, to be in love, to be beginning our lives.

  Even today, so long after I lost her, Chris is still very much the same, very much alive in my memory.

  She met people and made conversation the way most people breathe. She pulled people to her, coaxed them out of themselves, and embraced them in all their flawed and sometimes maddening glory. And she clearly enjoyed being with them as much as they enjoyed being with her. She was capable of intense and detailed conversations about anything with anyone. It was amazing to watch.

  Her gregarious nature completely took over our social calendar. Although Chris had only a few truly intimate friends, she seemed to know hundreds of people. She had a gift for remembering names, relationships, personal preferences, and other details about the lives of virtually every person she met. It was an ability I couldn’t match, but I reaped the many benefits of being with the woman everyone loved to see arrive at the party.

  And she was beautiful.

  Just beautiful.

  Her magnificent hair will always be fixed in my memory. I had never been around hair like that. It was long and thick, dark and heavy, healthy and strong. We had a ritual that Chris loved at the end of a long workday. She said it lowered her blood pressure and smoothed over any bumps she had inadvertently brought home from the office. She would sit on the floor in front of the couch and I would perch behind her brushing her hair all over—­rhythmically, constantly, first to one side and then the other, the brush raking gently across her scalp—until she was so relaxed that her head dropped to her chest and her long hair covered her face. It became the way we separated the office from home, stress from rest, work from play.

  I loved the way her hair blossomed onto the pillow when she lay down in bed at night, like a dark and beautiful flower framing her face. I loved seeing it blow every which way in the wind and her attempts to try to wrestle it back under control. She would often just have to give up. And I will always remember the way she looked when she would peek out at me from under that familiar, tangled dark curtain and smile.

  Someone in her family told me that her great-grandmother had been a Spaniard, a woman with long dark hair and striking blue eyes. Wherever her physical gifts came from, Chris’s ancestors had given her lush dark hair, warm olive skin, and blue eyes that went on forever.

  For a long while, our lives together had seemed extraordinarily blessed. Then in 1983, our son, Eric, was born and our lives changed in a much different way than life does for most new parents.

  Eric had serious health problems—a hole in his heart that prevented him from getting enough oxygen—and doctors told us that we needed to keep him alive until he was old enough and strong enough to survive the drastic surgery that would save his life. They said he had to be at least three years old or weigh thirty pounds before he could endure the lengthy and complex operation.

  From Eric’s birth onward, our focus changed. Every moment of our lives was dominated by fear for him, the demands of his stringent medication schedule, and the struggle to keep him alive.

  When he exerted himself too much—something that happened frequently—Eric turned blue and our own hearts would nearly stop. We learned how to bring him back from the edge. We learned to measure our days by his doses of medicine, to work around what he needed and what we needed to do to keep him alive.

  During that time, we were never quite able to feel at peace, knowing that we could lose him with just one misstep, one missed medication, one moment when we weren’t paying enough attention. We worried constantly, wouldn’t let him out of our sight, instinctively held him tightly and looked out for any danger or subtle sign that he was in medical trouble. It was hard. Although we were essentially newlyweds, it seemed we had the weight of the world on our shoulders. Nothing mattered more than making sure his little chest kept taking in air, his heart kept pumping, his body kept growing.

  As we struggled toward his third birthday, we began planning for the kind of future we hoped would be possible once Eric had his surgery.

  Austin was experiencing a big boom in population and real estate prices. We jumped into the market and sold our starter home for what seemed to us like a small fortune and started building another house in the far northwest corner of the city, part of a sprawling, brand-new development. We chose our house plans carefully, looking over architectural designs for hours on our dining room table, dreaming of a place that had the extras we knew would make our lives there even better.

  Our new home on the corner of Hazelhurst Drive had a spacious kitchen that opened into the dining room, where Chris could cook and watch Eric play on the soft carpet just a few feet away. We had a fireplace, where we could all cuddle up on Austin’s not very cold winter nights, watching the flames flare and pop, pretending we didn’t live in a place where the temperature seldom hit freezing. Eric’s room was on one side of the house, down a hallway. The master bedroom was on the other side, but close enough that we could hear him if he cried out. Our bedroom had a full bath, where Chris could soak in the tub, and another fireplace facing the bed that allowed us to read, lounge, or drift off to sleep while the fire danced.

  For us, it was home, a real home.

  And Chris made it so much better. She was a design whiz, and I was always proud to have people over. It seemed that even though we had no more money than any of our neighbors, Chris’s ability to dream up ways to decorate our living space made our home look rich. She did it all by squeezing a dime till it begged for mercy, always able to find a deal, a real buy, or a castoff treasure that elevated our home into something better.

  She ruled th
e house—food, décor, party planning, and home shopping. I was the master—or slave—of everything outside. I mowed, weeded, chopped, planted, and generally crawled around our property on my hands and knees, trying to make everything better. I dreamed up a deck/pergola area and built it myself while Chris watched encouragingly from the kitchen window.

  I so wanted to please her.

  Our backyard dream deck was designed for entertaining, even if we were just entertaining ourselves, and we could cook out, dine, and drink wine as we watched the sun go down and the shadows grow in the evening.

  Our home was close to work for both of us, but quiet enough to seem like we were in the country. We could hear dogs bark in the distance, kids play in our neighbors’ backyards, and sometimes the sizzle of steaks on the grill next door, but we never felt we were at the mercy of maddening traffic, too many people, or too much urban noise.

  We believed we had found a little piece of heaven in suburban Austin.

  In June 1986, Eric turned three years old. His doctors said the time had come to take him into surgery and try to create a new and healthy life for all of us.

  We drove to Houston full of hope and fear and paced the hospital hallways, clinging to each other, while he was on the operating table. But the moment we saw him after his surgery, all of our worries melted away. For the first time in his life, our little boy was a beautiful, beaming pink. He was going to be okay.

  And so were we.

  Two weeks after his surgery, we drove home exultant and felt so proud when our neighbors gathered around the car to see our beautiful, healthy boy. Eric could now run and play just as hard and as recklessly as any other kid, and he loved it. He didn’t grow exhausted or turn blue.

  We practically did, trying to keep up with him.

  Chris and I would watch Eric race around the yard like anybody else’s kid and look at each other in amazement. We’d made it. Finally, we felt we had the future in our hands.

  What we didn’t know was that we had built our home in a neighborhood that wasn’t exactly what it appeared to be. As the Austin suburbs spread north, city and county boundaries become hard to discern. While our new house was still in Austin, without realizing it, we were living on land that sat just outside the borders of the more urban Travis County and inside the southern reaches—and jurisdiction—of much more rural Williamson County.

  Wilco, as the locals call it, boasted a legal system dominated by a longtime sheriff whose actions and opinions carried almost biblical authority for the public and the prosecutor’s office. The prosecutor was a perfect partner for the sheriff, a big-fish-in-a-small-pond bully so committed to the idea of “law and order” that he was willing to break the law to win convictions. Together, Sheriff Jim Boutwell and District Attorney Ken Anderson brought a dangerously small-town approach to the big-city crimes that had begun to occur in Williamson County as the city of Austin intruded on the mean little Mayberry they had created.

  It made no difference to us on a daily basis, but it would become profoundly important in the years ahead. In fact, if we had built our home one mile this way or that, I believe the next twenty-five years would have been very different.

  CHAPTER TWO

  To me, scuba diving always felt like flying.

  Whenever I would dive beneath the surface of the water and begin swimming farther and farther down into a freshwater lake, I felt the way birds must when held aloft by a kind wind. I loved it and relished every chance to get in the water.

  I made my last dive on August 12, 1986. It was my thirty-second birthday, the afternoon before everything went terribly wrong—the last good day of my old life. Having a chance to dive on a weekday was an incredible rarity. But the grocery store chain where I worked had a generous policy of giving all its employees their birthdays off.

  Chris was at work, Eric was at his beloved babysitter’s, and I felt like a kid who had just gotten a snow day off from school. For both Chris and me, there had been too little playtime, too many worries about Eric’s heart problem, too many fears that we wouldn’t make it to his surgery.

  Now that he was on the mend, so were we.

  I had gone to Lake Travis that day to check out a new diving spot that a friend and I planned to explore together that weekend. Always cautious, I wanted to make sure that it would be worth the trip (and safe enough) for my buddy. I had high hopes that we might do more diving together in the future.

  Liking what I’d seen at the lake, I stripped off my gear, packed up, and headed home. I planned to do something even more exotic that afternoon. I was going to take a nap.

  This was living.

  Chris and I had plans to go to the current Austin restaurant crush, City Grill, that night for a celebratory birthday dinner. One of our neighbors had volunteered to babysit Eric so we could have a more romantic evening, but we had turned her down. The truth was that we loved taking him along. And for us, having our boy healthy, dressed up, and sitting there, smiling beside us, slurping out of a sippy cup while we drank wine, was the height of romance.

  Dinner that night wasn’t solely about my birthday, it was an acknowledgment that our family had found a new kind of peace. It had been only a couple of months since Eric’s surgery, but the growing serenity we felt was heady stuff for three people who had been through too much.

  Before dinner, we sat outside on the restaurant’s big deck, enjoying a glass of wine and a night that was warm but had just enough of a breeze to keep everyone cool. Dinner was perfect, and Eric acted like an old hand at dining out in a snazzy restaurant. Across the table, Chris looked as happy as I had seen her in a long time. She smiled at me in a knowing way.

  I decided the night was going to get nothing but better.

  I distinctly remember savoring the moment when the three of us were walking across the parking lot to our car. Eric was in the middle, and we were swinging him back and forth while he squealed in absolute delight.

  At home, Chris got him ready for bed while I listened to the end of a presidential news conference. President Reagan was fielding questions about ending apartheid in South Africa, tearing down the Berlin Wall, and his support for the new idea of workplace drug testing—all issues that seemed to matter so much that night, and would quickly fade for me in the hours ahead.

  At that moment, the only thing on my mind was romance. Chris came out to the living room by the fireplace, and we curled up on a blanket on the floor. I had poured two glasses of wine, and without telling her, I’d popped an adult movie into the VCR.

  Looking back, I can’t help thinking that I was not only an oaf but an optimist. Like so many moms, Chris had worked all day and, until a few minutes prior, had been taking care of an active toddler. She was exhausted.

  Of course, I’d had a nap and was raring to go.

  I had just started rubbing her hand when I heard tiny feet in the hallway. Eric was up. Chris said she’d take care of it and headed for his room, leaving me again, amorous and alone.

  When she finally came out, I could see she was tired. Still, I continued to caress her, hoping to trigger a little interest. Instead, I soon heard her familiar soft snoring. Feeling sorry for myself, I got up, tossed back the wine, and went to our bedroom, leaving Chris on the floor.

  Alone in our big bed, I finally fell asleep, peeved at what I saw as a missed opportunity. Later, long after midnight, Chris came to bed, curled around me, and whispered that she was sorry. She kissed me and said, “Next time, babe, next time.”

  I was already awake when the alarm went off at 5:00 A.M., the way it did every weekday. Once again, I followed my rigid morning routine—showering, grabbing a bite, and leaving the house for work at 5:30. You could set your watch by it. Chris always slept later and then dropped Eric off at the sitter’s on her way to work. Staggering our schedules this way allowed me to pick him up about 2:30 every day, limiting the time he had to be out of our care.<
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  Still smarting from what I saw as a rejection the night before, I did one last thing before leaving. I wrote a note to my wife that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

  Chris, I know you didn’t mean to, but you made me feel really unwanted last night. After a good meal, we came home, you binged on the rest of the cookies, then with your nightgown around your waist and while I was rubbing your hands and arms, you farted and fell asleep. I’m not mad or expecting a big production. I just wanted you to know how I feel without us getting into another fight about sex. Just think how you might have felt if you were left hanging on your birthday. ILY.

  I propped my petulant missive against something near the bathroom sink, so she’d be sure to see it when she got up. There is a small measure of peace for me today in knowing she never did read what I’d written.

  That morning at work, I expected to hear from her, teasing me about the note, telling me off, something. Instead, there was nothing.

  Otherwise, it was an absolutely normal day on the job—a blur of customers and demands, co-workers, corny jokes, and busywork. I left at the usual time, ran a couple of quick errands, and headed to the babysitter’s to get our boy.

  I knew something was wrong as soon as I got to the door. The babysitter had an odd look on her face and asked me what I was doing there. Eric had not come in that day, so why did I stop by? And Chris hadn’t called the sitter to tell her that she and Eric weren’t going to be there. I could feel my heart begin to pound as I dialed my home number from the babysitter’s house.

  Chris was incredibly efficient and responsible. She would never have failed to let me know of a change in plans. She called work regularly, sometimes just to tell me about things that didn’t even directly affect us but she thought I should know. I recalled her calling me at work, terribly upset, the day the Challenger blew up.